Somethin-Sumthin

July 1995 marks the biggest genocide in Europe since World War II. At least 8,300 Bosnian population, mostly males, were massacred and killed within days. And the craziest thing is, Srebrenica was declared a "safe area" by the UN. The UNPROFOR troops were deployed around Srebrenica, consisting of 600 Dutch peacekeepers. However, that did not stop the Serbian forces from entering and slaughtering the population who were already living in the worst of conditions to begin with.

On April 8th 1993, the first UN peacekeeping troops arrived in Srebrenica following the treaty that was signed by BOTH parties, The Army of Republika Sprska (VRS) and Army Of Republic Bosnia and Herzegovina (ARBiH). The Bosnian defenders claimed that they laid arms, and took most weapons and ammunitions out of Srebrenica, out of honor to the treaty. VRS however, continued the shellings and bombings in and around the "safe area". With no or little weapon to defend their place, Srebrenica fell within days.

To make history short, the population soon took refuge in the nearby UN offices, Potocari. One hundred lightly armed Dutch peacekeepers were denied repeated requests for reinforcements and consequently sidelined to witness what was to follow.

Taken from wikipedia.com, "……cases of adults being forced to kill their children or watching as soldiers ended the young lives. "One soldier approached a woman in the middle of a crowd," he said. "Her child was crying. The soldier asked why the child was crying and she explained that he was hungry. The soldier made a comment like, ‘He won’t be hungry anymore.’ He slit the child’s throat in front of everybody."

This last paragraph made me shiver. The hair on my neck just stood. It’s the same thing isn’t it? When the Palestinian Liberation Organisation was evacuated from Sabra-Shatilla refugee camps following a peace treaty with the army of Israel, the camps were left undefended. The Israeli Army moved in, breaking the treaty, and destroyed everything that walks and breathes. I’ve always felt so helpless while reading these accounts, knowing that the same crimes and atrocities are happening right now, while I’m enjoying the food I have and the roof on my head.

Can one person change the world? Can one make a significant positive change and impact to humankind? Can one make the world a kinder place?

For full account, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Srebrenica_massacre

Perhaps we are all lonely. Maybe, just maybe we’re all solitary beings, trapped in our own little brain boxes. We don’t have to be alone to be lonely. No one really knows us than we know ourselves, and maybe that’s the trick of living. To actually know ourselves, to be responsible for what we do and what we don’t do. But, I also believe that we are not meant to be by ourselves. We are not meant to be lonely. We have families, friends, acquaintances, soul mates. When we don’t know how to define ourselves, we hope that we’ll find some people, or someone who can help us figure things out. The complexity of humanity cannot be described by poetries, or painted into pictures, or in tunes of music. We do try, anyway, and we find inspiration by engaging them, but these things simply help or guide us to know what’s deep inside us. Emotions, judgments, feelings, logical thinking, trained thoughts, all these creates gray areas in everyday living. Some things are black and white; most things are in the middle. It’s the most natural thing to do; to find a wall, a shoulder, or a hand to hold us, to make unbearable things become a bit tolerable. And I think that’s all we want, really. Artists, visionaries, philosophers, they’re all doing the things they do to make life for humanity a bit more bearable than it actually is. And the sad truth is we need things, material things, to fill the void in us, and again, making things more bearable, to make us more happy, more content. It’s human nature, really, but if we can recognize those holes that we need to fill, just by recognizing and acknowledging them, maybe one day those holes will be closed, slowly, one by one.

The colorful life people lead have always made me picture God, or A Higher Being sitting up there watching us, watching his creation make mistakes, grief, happy, and love, and all these are ultimately making choices. Sometimes life is unfair, because whatever choices you make will do no good to yourself, and everyone around you. Sometimes our lives don’t turn out the way we want them to be. Sometimes people disappoint you, and sometimes they leave. I think the notion that there is life after death, and that there is God is not just important for everyday living and a good afterlife, but I think it is necessary. Without these faiths and beliefs, we are all like a speck of dust walking in this world, lonely as ever. We pray, and we confide in Him when we are alone, when we are in doubt, when we experience loss, because we know that someone’s listening. We do not know for sure if our prayers will be answered, but sometimes, we just want to be heard. In Greek mythology, God punished mankind by creating the first female, Pandora, and a box full of misery. As we all know it, Pandora opens the box, and all sickness, grief, all sorts or horrible things came out. However, she managed to close the box before hope escapes, and it’s only hope that we use against all the other things that came out. That’s what we do. We hope.

We don’t know a lot. Compared to the complexities of everything, we don’t know anything, really. The greatest achievement one can make is if one can see through this complexity and sees the simplicity. Children do this. Perhaps it is because they are fresh and untainted that makes them so. But, as they grow up, they conform to societal rules, expectations, and the bureaucracy of life. Imagination and fantasy becomes smaller, and things become a routine. They no more see the wonderfulness of everything God has created simply because they all fall under the ‘normal’ category of life. It’s a pity, really. When we are little, we mostly ask questions beginning with ‘why’. Why are those flowers red, why there are a sun and a moon, and why do birds fly and we can’t. ‘Why’ questions stretch our imagination, widens our outlook. I read once, “Daytime is for developing your brain and your five senses, and nighttime develops your imagination and your wit”. Nighttime is when everything gets quiet, and you have time for reflection and thinking. The same author wrote, “Now I know why most people sleep at night. It’s easier. It’s a lot easier”. So the next time you can’t sleep in the middle of the night, don’t toss and turn, it’s the only time when it gets quiet enough, and when you’re allowed to get lost in your own thoughts. Think, reflect, regret, pray, and hopefully in days to come you’ll be a wiser, happier person.

In about 9 hours, I will get on that bus to Dublin airport, and leave for home. That’s it. My first 3 months here coming to an end. I can’t even begin to describe my experience here, and one thing for sure, its the people that makes me feel so hard getting on that plane. Most of my friends here, including housemates, are Erasmus (Exchange Programme for 3 months), so after tonight, I’m not going to see them again. These people, they helped me through so many things, seeing that it was my first time abroad, and my first time away from family. My transition here was made alot easier with them by my side. I live with these people, so it’s the next best thing to a family. We learn each other’s stories. Our faults and flaws, and most of all, our qualities and kindness. Ces’t La Vie. The only constant thing is change. It’s still amazing though, the way we have more similarities than differences, despite our homelands located at the opposite ends of the world. We exchanged e-mails, phone numbers, but god knows if we’re going to keep in touch or these past memories are just that, past memories. The best thing I guess I can do is just live, and accept that some things in life may change, yet some things may stay the same. I guess the more relationships you have with people, the more change you experience, the harder it is to say goodbye, to bid them a good life. However, I would prefer that than having it the other way. I’d rather experience, feel, laugh and cry, because at the end of the day, at least I get to say that I had lived life the best I could. Goodbye, farewell. If life permits, we will see each other again.

Most aspects in life can be reflected upon, thought about, ponder on. Yet, that’s about it. Most time, when luck and situations are not on your side, what else can you do then to let it go and learn from it? You think about it, you feel, and you move on.

Candlelight fire signifies elegance. It dances, tempting anyone who watches to touch it, try to feel it, fully aware that it would burn them. And yet, it cannot be touched. The candle fires up, giving a small light amidst the darkness. It signifies hope. It is like our soul, being everything we want to be, our ideal, yet unreachable. But we do it anyway. We touch the fire. Most of us don’t really know what we are searching for, but we search anyway, in hope that what we find in the end is our hearts’ desire. We’re playing a game, and this game is cruel, sweet, bitter, kind, frustrating and grand at the same time. So when we get tired, we look for distractions. We take a break from the rest of the world, we lock ourselves in our solitary space and just be at peace. Then we set about to fix ourselves, bit by bit. We try to fix the damage we’ve done while damaging ourselves at the same time. But we do our best with what we have, what we are. A friend said to me once: "When we look at ourselves in the mirror, try to realize that the only way for us to grow is by using ourselves to grow." What he meant was, to grow and to be human, accept yourselves for who you are.

At the end of the tunnel, what do we really want? As we age, we get a bit older, a bit wiser, and hopefully a bit more human. When we’re about to meet our maker, what do we want to remember, and what kind of person do we want other people to remember us as? A legacy? Loving family? A knowledge that we have loved and been loved? Or do we just want to be simply remembered? If we get the answers to these questions, do we live our lives more fully?

Life…is a tragic tragedy. It is a fairy tale, the kind with flying dragons and tall towers. Deep inside we are still children. We are. We are all still children of pure being, like when we first opened our eyes, and breathed that first air. Deep inside we are still those kids that run around the playground, trying to get the attention and acknowledgements from other kids. But sometimes, sometimes we lose sight of that children inside. That’s when humanity is lost, when millions die, and poverty is left as somebody else’s problems. We also like to believe that we matter, and we hope to god that we have a bigger part for us to play in life. We yearn to make a difference, if not to others, at least to our own selves.

Life is like candlelights. Beautiful yet untouchable, pure yet destructive, elegant yet burns. We have to learn to take life as it is, and to fight when it is necessary to fight. We have to learn when to accept, and when to stand up and say no. In the end, memories that we make from our experience, sweet and bitter, will keep us going. Memories will sustain us in the cold, hard months that we may encounter, until we can see happy days again.

Its 9 pm on a Sunday, and Damien Rice is on my itunes. Feeling: Mixture of Fatigueness and Loneliness. It’s funny how you can be surrounded by so many people and feel so alone at the same time. But, when you’re alone, and when you have these quiet moments, it’s a good time to reflect, about where you’re heading, what makes you happy, and what ticks you off. Since I got on that plane to Galway until now, I’ve met so many people, seen so many places, and it just proves to me how small we are, in relative to what we have not seen or experience yet. However, the most interesting thing is these creatures called human. The people I’ve met are so many, yet so different, in so many ways. Do we learn to tolerate everyone, or do we just say fuck off to whoever we don’t like? Both ways have its advantages and disadvantages.

I’m happy here. However, there’s always this hole, or void in me that cannot be filled however happy I am. That’s my family and friends back home. I’m neither sad nor depressed, but I’m just saying people back home are close at heart, and ironically, by being far away from my country makes me even more proud and patriotic of Malaysia than ever. When people ask me, "what is Malaysia famous for?" I would go on and on about the beautiful beaches, buildings, and most importantly, my friends! I hope that I will fly through my journey here, and get that damn degree already =p

My parents sent me a card, and written on it: Love is missing someone when you’re apart, but somehow feeling warm inside because you’re close at heart. God bless em

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time… dont live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and youll find love,
And dont forget son,
There is someone up above.

And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Wont you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich mans gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

Boy, dont you worry… youll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

And there it is. Lynyrd Skynyrd’s simple man. Makes us think doesn’t it? We view adults live and breathe rat’s race every single day. Well, most of them anyway. Always wanting a bigger house, increased number of cars, 4-5 drivers, personal cooks and gardeners. This maybe the young foolish idealism speaking, but I believe that if one’s needs are little, then one can be satisfied without excessive material things. "Forget your lust for the rich man’s gold, all that you need is in your soul". "The more we take, the less we become". Giving enriches us. So be rich, be wealthy. But let the giving and donations be proportionate to our wealth.

ahhhh! classes and freshers parties officially starts already!~ and…as a med student, i haf to make a choice here. my flatmates are going to both, coz their classes are like, 2-4. so obviously…i cant go to all of the parties and get-together. oh well. in fact they’re getting ready right now. but i have an early class tomoro! hahaha. well. i dont reli mind. ill go on weekends. oh yea, there’s this really cool malaysian soc here, that’s only like, 1 year old, but gets full funding of 20 000 euros from the uni. ive met the president and the comittee members, and they’re really nice people. we’ll have trips around the world every year i think, and last year it was spain (or was it france?). yeah. this year during winter, i hope they’re heading to brussels or switzerland. i still miss home tho. today was like my first full-blown homesickness. had no mood for classes. so i slept thru em. the people here really helped me thru it, not just the irish, the italians, americans, and there’s this singaporean girl that reli helped. she just listened to me for a bit and sms-ed me for a while, but it really helped having a friend there for u. so yeah…and the rain! god…the weather’s getting realy unpredictable! in the morning it’ll be really really sunny and nice, then an hour later, AN HOUR, rain would just come pouring down. my phone, my beautiful beautiful v3i phone is ruined becz of the stupid rain. classes are ok i guess, but we’re still at the basic stuff. no dissection yet, no cadavers yet, no ward rounds yet. lookin fwd to dat. oh well. im gonna study now. STUDY. god.

A night I will never forget. 4th of September 2006, in KLIA, was the hardest and happiest moment in my life. My parents, my brother and sister, aunts and uncles, and a bunch of great friends sent me off to Ireland. So I said my goodbyes, and left on that plane. So, after 30++ hours on 3 different flights, inclusive of 15++ hours of transit time in Bangkok and Heathrow, I finally reached Galway. When I first got there, damn…it was so windy and rainy! It was dark and gloomy, and I was like, I chose the wrong place.Then… the next morning, the sun was up, it got hotter with nice, cool breeze up till today! Its like I brought the sun with me from back home. Haha. I’m living with four guys, each with different nationalities. One’s American, one’s Canadian, one’s Italian and one’s Spanish. They’re really nice people, andvery ver friendly. Living across us are 5 girls, also with different nationalities. One’s Malaysian, 2 Italian, one’s french, and one Irish. Quite a mix, really. But they’re very friendly people, it’s so easy to get comfortable with em. Just last night, we had dinner with these girls, whose cooking skills were quite…..ok…but edible nonetheless. hahaahah. I haven’t even started my classes yet, and me and the Canadian guy (who’s the only one taking medicine with me) are just either bumming around or went exploring the campus. This university btw, is one of the most beautiful university I’ve ever seen. There are so many green around, and since it was a castle before it was a uni, the medieval architecture is still intact. So…we went strolling around..checking out departments and student housings and stuffs. Everything is within walking distance here, so I walked for about 4 hours everyday since Ive gotten here. At first all seemed far…but it’s ok now I guess. Im still not used to the sight of white people working as waiters, construction builders, and cashiers. They serve me here!! hahahahahaha! anyway..i miss home! But adjusting to the condition here won’t be so bad, it’ll be great really. good housemates, hot and friendly neighbours ;p, scenic university…It’ll be great. But it’s not home. So. Looking forward till next summer, when I can see Malaysian sun again.

Oh well. I was against blogging. Then i started one in blogspot, but i forgot my username. I liked that blog. Hurm. In exactly 3 days, I’m gonna leave my familiar home, loving family who has been my pillar of strength, and great sets of friends who have always shown that they’re worth keeping as friends. All the things that seemed trivial to me during my 19 years stay in Malaysia, I’m regretting taking them for granted now. But, C’est la vie. Life is about changes I guess. I get to see new things, meet new people, and learn new stuffs. And with the blessing of Allah, I will get my medical degree there. Last week, I’ve met most of my friends from high school and college, to say goodbye and to remind them to keep in touch. Everyone is just so…great that I regret not making an effort to spend more time with them previously. Well, it’s my loss. Everyone is so kind now that Im about to leave, and it’s so heartwarming. Even my dentist gave me a free check-up! The hardest part is of course leaving the family. Each time I come back, my parents will get a bit older, my brother will get a bit more mature, and my little sister will not be so little anymore. They’ve always been there for me, and I am where I am today because of their support. They’ve taught me patience, tolerance, courage, and love, to name a few. There will never be enough preparations to move out from the house, but I’ve done my best. Hopefully, it will suffice for the time being. For now, I’m just counting days, reflecting NOT on the things I should have done, but on the happy memories I’ve had here and planning on even happier memories on the new journey ahead. Goodbye family, goodbye friends, goodbye teachers, goodbye to the 2000 mamak stalls that became constant hang out places, and goodbye home. However, this is not goodbye forever, and this is not our farewell. It’s just a slight change in my life, and hopefully I will sail right through it.